Monday, January 21, 2013

This was a hard one...


It's been a while since my last blog post.  Honestly, I haven't even wanted to blog.  To be 100% honest, I've been on a little dance with the devil.  It was something.  Not like I was ever worried about my well being, or that I was going to go off the deep end or anything, but I can say with complete confidence that I have never experienced anything like it before.

I think it really started when I lost my grandmother.  It was like I  realized for the first time that life is short and it REALLY does go by fast.  After her funeral I just kind of put all those feelings on the back burner.  Months later,  my daughter turned 11.  In my mind, my life started replaying the last 11 years in fast forward.  It was football season, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Running to soccer practice, going to flag football, games on Friday, Saturday and Sunday... all while I started back to school.  Hoping I was making the best decision for myself and family.  Trust me when I say, I am NOT looking for sympathy here.  I get it...everyone is busy and has their own issues.  I don't take one single day for granted.  I count my blessings and I'm well aware that I have been blessed.  I have a supportive family, the best friends anyone could ask for, my health, and a job that works well for me.

A few days ago I came across this saying about Gemini's.  It fits me well...


It got me thinking.  Why not talk about what I'm truly feeling. Why pretend that everyday is perfect because it's just not?  I consider myself a very laid back person, maybe to a fault.  I am accepting of anyone and everyone.  I am a black or white person...it either is or it isn't.

So, looooong story short. I began to question my life.  It's not a secret. I was 6 months pregnant when I got married.  I have a love for my daughter that is indescribable.  She has made me who I am.  We have figured out our last 11 years together.  I had to grow up faster than I wanted to, make decision before I was ready to, and be a wife before I wanted to.... All of that to say, I started questioning everything.  Was I really doing what I was supposed to be doing?  

I can whip up some mean mac and cheese, comfort a sick baby, talk 24/7 about breast feeding, study spelling test, sing Barney songs...the list goes on.  But, was this it?  A mom?  I had this constant thought that kept popping in my mind that there was more.  

I don't want to sound selfish, but really I kept thinking what have I done for me?  I just wanted more...it was that simple.  So, I made some goals.  

1. Be yourself.
2. Be around people that will inspire you not bring you down.
3. Lose the drama...in all parts of my life.  Ain't nobody got time for that!!!
4. Look in my kids eyes everyday...like really look in their eyes.
5. Right when I wake up list five things I'm grateful for.
6. Help someone out everyday.
7. Go back to school.
8. Be more spontaneous.
9. Eat clean.
10. Work my a*% off everyday, so I can get in the best shape of my life. 

Looking back the best way I can describe it is this visual I kept having in my head.  I was at the bottom of this hill with a heavy backpack on, and the sun was hot.  I was just walking, and walking, and walking, and walking.  Sometimes, my head was down while walking, and sometimes my head was looking up to see how much further I had to go.  I'm almost at the top of hill.  I'm almost over all these doubts and fears.  I got there from setting goals, and turning my doubts into spending time at the gym or doing something I love. 

When I step back and look at my life, I know I wouldn't change a thing.  My kids are my life.  And really, that is all that truly matters.

So, here is to 2013. It's going to be the best year yet.

Choose Love


Cassi

5 comments:

  1. I love this one. I am honored to have been so close to close to you when Lyssa was just a peanut. I loved seeing my friend grow into a new mom. I admired your strength and your dedication. You were meant to be a mom. You glowed from the moment you knew and even to this day you still glow. I love you friend and I love the honesty and vulnerabibility of your words.

    Choose Love!
    Summer

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  2. I love this one. I am honored to have been so close to close to you when Lyssa was just a peanut. I loved seeing my friend grow into a new mom. I admired your strength and your dedication. You were meant to be a mom. You glowed from the moment you knew and even to this day you still glow. I love you friend and I love the honesty and vulnerabibility of your words.

    Choose Love!
    Summer

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  3. Well, coming from my hero that means ALOT!! I love you Summer!!!!

    Choose Love

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  4. Even at my age I wonder is there more? Could I be doing more (for me)? Where do I fit in in all of this life? Over the past year due to health issues of my Mom I have learned a few things...I sound really OLD! After selling the my Dream almost 4 years ago...God had a plan...I couldn't see it, I was mad, hurt, confused~ but I had to Trust it....I was depressed, I didn't know what I was gonna do even though I still had and have 2 girls at home...Since selling the shop I have almost learned that I am right where God has wanted me to be....I have a Servant's Heart, whether it be for my Family, Church, Friends, I'm always wanting to make everything better for whatever and whoever....So where does that leave me, how do I refill my cup....I think I will always be searching, creating, doing for others... God gave me this time to TRUST Him....I found this just yesterday and it really helped me and I hope it does you too..........
    "Trusting God does not mean God shows up for you exactly the way you thought He was gonna show up. Trusting God doesn't mean HIS timing is going to be your timing."
    This is turning into a novel, sorry......I just wanted to you to know that you aren't alone in your feelings!! I Love my Girls and having a Granddaughter now is just, well a Blessing from God....My Husband and my Girls are my life. Everything I do revolves around them....Needless to say TRUST is my word for the year....slowly but surely I am getting there!
    Love getting to see your kids grow, love getting to see all you kids come Home and see how God has Blessed your lives....Hope all of this rambling helped you know you are not alone! It's gotta be a "MOM" thing! Your words are honest and from the heart...nothing wrong with that!
    Take Care of yourself!
    Stefanie

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    Replies
    1. Stefanie,
      Thanks for taking the time to write those sweet words. I really appreciate it. I will re-read them often. :)

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