It's been a while since my last blog post. Honestly, I haven't even wanted to blog. To be 100% honest, I've been on a little dance with the devil. It was something. Not like I was ever worried about my well being, or that I was going to go off the deep end or anything, but I can say with complete confidence that I have never experienced anything like it before.
I think it really started when I lost my grandmother. It was like I realized for the first time that life is short and it REALLY does go by fast. After her funeral I just kind of put all those feelings on the back burner. Months later, my daughter turned 11. In my mind, my life started replaying the last 11 years in fast forward. It was football season, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Running to soccer practice, going to flag football, games on Friday, Saturday and Sunday... all while I started back to school. Hoping I was making the best decision for myself and family. Trust me when I say, I am NOT looking for sympathy here. I get it...everyone is busy and has their own issues. I don't take one single day for granted. I count my blessings and I'm well aware that I have been blessed. I have a supportive family, the best friends anyone could ask for, my health, and a job that works well for me.
A few days ago I came across this saying about Gemini's. It fits me well...
It got me thinking. Why not talk about what I'm truly feeling. Why pretend that everyday is perfect because it's just not? I consider myself a very laid back person, maybe to a fault. I am accepting of anyone and everyone. I am a black or white person...it either is or it isn't.
So, looooong story short. I began to question my life. It's not a secret. I was 6 months pregnant when I got married. I have a love for my daughter that is indescribable. She has made me who I am. We have figured out our last 11 years together. I had to grow up faster than I wanted to, make decision before I was ready to, and be a wife before I wanted to.... All of that to say, I started questioning everything. Was I really doing what I was supposed to be doing?
I can whip up some mean mac and cheese, comfort a sick baby, talk 24/7 about breast feeding, study spelling test, sing Barney songs...the list goes on. But, was this it? A mom? I had this constant thought that kept popping in my mind that there was more.
I don't want to sound selfish, but really I kept thinking what have I done for me? I just wanted more...it was that simple. So, I made some goals.
1. Be yourself.
2. Be around people that will inspire you not bring you down.
3. Lose the drama...in all parts of my life. Ain't nobody got time for that!!!
4. Look in my kids eyes everyday...like really look in their eyes.
5. Right when I wake up list five things I'm grateful for.
6. Help someone out everyday.
7. Go back to school.
8. Be more spontaneous.
9. Eat clean.
10. Work my a*% off everyday, so I can get in the best shape of my life.
Looking back the best way I can describe it is this visual I kept having in my head. I was at the bottom of this hill with a heavy backpack on, and the sun was hot. I was just walking, and walking, and walking, and walking. Sometimes, my head was down while walking, and sometimes my head was looking up to see how much further I had to go. I'm almost at the top of hill. I'm almost over all these doubts and fears. I got there from setting goals, and turning my doubts into spending time at the gym or doing something I love.
When I step back and look at my life, I know I wouldn't change a thing. My kids are my life. And really, that is all that truly matters.
So, here is to 2013. It's going to be the best year yet.