Friday, July 13, 2012

Our Family Chain is Broken...

I've opened and closed my laptop a 100 times.  I have a lot of great things to blog birthday, my babies, Aaron and I had our 11th anniversary, the 4th of July,  but I just can't seem to get over this slump I'm in.

Last week I had to face my biggest fear.  Losing someone I love.  I watched my grandmother go from living independently in her own house to passing away from cancer just four short weeks later in the nursing home.  I feel blessed that I was able to spend so much time with her in those last few weeks, but I have never ever experienced anything like that.  Just real life stuff that I will never forget.  She knew she was dying, and she wasn't afraid to talk about it.  She told me many times that she was ready. She knew where she was going and that's all that mattered to her.  In fact, one of our last conversations just a few days before she passed is something that still brings tears to my eyes...

It was the Sunday night just a few days before she passed away.  At the last minute after dinner I decided to swing by the nursing home to tell her goodnight.   I was the only one in her room.  She was lying in bed and I hopped up there to sit beside her.  She grabbed my hand with what little energy she had left.  Word for word it went like this...
She said, "I went to heaven today." Startled, " I said, "You did?" "Yes, ma'am" she said.  I asked her, "What was it like?"  She said, "It was WONDERFUL, I was there with my family and we were all sitting around talking and Jesus was there." At this point tears were falling down my face and chills down my back.  I asked, "Does Jesus look like he does in the pictures?" Without hesitation, she said, "Yes!"  Just when I thought this conversation couldn't get any better she said, "But I needed more time."  That was it, that's how it ended.  She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep for the night.  She lived for three more days.  I'm still not sure why she needed more time, but I know whatever it was, her and God got it figured out.

I have never felt so much sadness. I have some visuals that I can't get out of my mind.  Like watching my dad and my uncle physically move their mother from her chair to her bed...over and over and over and over with tears in their eyes.  My aunts made sure she had everything she needed... Whatever she wanted, that's what they did...

Which also made me feel a kind of love like I have never felt in my life.  The way our family came together was amazing.  Whether it was 2 months, or 2 years since we had last seen each other it felt like we hadn't missed a beat.  Big hugs, lots of tears, lots of hugs, and LOTS of stories!!  Just like grandma would have wanted it.   Her biggest worry was how her family would be after she passed.  I have to remember that.  She told us over and over, don't be sad, be happy....

I just don't think she knew how dang much we were going to miss her...

We knew little that day,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide.
And although we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Choose Love,


  1. Dear Cassi, I too had a precious grandmother. In fact just mentioning her name brings tears to my eyes...still. She made a big impression on me, gave me treasured memories and so many of the things I do are because of her! She passed away when Kim was 3 mos. old. To this day I think of her when I see the first purple iris of spring,a chenille bedspread, homemade jams, or a coconut layer cake. Especially I remember when I make her delicious Fudgey Chocolate Pie. From one girl that misses her Grandma to another, may I offer to bring you your favorite pie?

    1. Laughing through my tears ;) you know I could never ever turn one of those down! Love you so much Roxy!!

  2. Cassi, Losing my Gan-Gan & Grampa to cancer was one of the hardest things I have faced in my life!! At the same time, those moments we had together I will treasure forever!! I HATE CANCER!!! But if I can think of one good thing about it, it is that you do have some time to do and say things you probably wouldn't have otherwise! It's a reminder not to take any moments for granted and not miss any opportunities to be with and love our family & friends!! I am so sorry for your loss, but I'm pretty sure part of the reason she 'needed more time' was to allow you that first-hand glimpse of Heaven--there just aren't many who can say they have ever had that!!! What a precious memory for the two of you to have shared--and how awesome that you have it to look forward to just like she did!! Thanks for being so transparent in this post and for being willing to share it!! Hang in there...and look forward to many more memories here--and there!!! :)

  3. What beautiful memories you were able to create with your grandmother! I was able to be with my Mom, holding her hand, when she died a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. It was a time I will cherish the rest of my life as I know you will.